ST. PETERSBURG ROBOT POPULATION INCREASES Robots have started appearing all over the city of St. Petersburg in recent months. They tend to look a metallic copper or silver, attack mostly old people, and rip their heads off and throw them at cars. That is sad. There has been an increased presence of these robots along 4th Street as well as US 19. This new wave of strange happenings is no surprise to locals who have had to deal with the surge of beings from Jupiter in the late '80s and the clowns who were forced to move here after the great Clown War of 1997. William Quilt, a resident for 35 years, was going to give us a quote until he was attacked by a robot. We then decided to get one from his brother, Fuzzy. "The only problem I see with these robots is that they get in my way at the supermarket when I'm buying me porn," said the highly intoxicated drunkard. Not only have the robots moved in to take over old people all over Pinellas County, but they now have also bought up prime property as far as the eye can see. Marie Poppenfresh was one such victim of a robot's madness. "I have to live in this very large post office box now because of that fuckin' thing. I mean, it gave me like, five bucks and then it took my home, my property, my dog and my dignity. I'm glad I didn't quit my job as a stripper." Shortly after I interviewed her, Marie was arrested on charges of slashing the tires of a bus over at Williams Park. I caught up with a member of the "Robot Things" as they've come to be known as and he/she/it? had this to say: "You people are morons for believing we've been taking people's homes. It is truly the developers. You have no more room here for your petty shops and custom candy boutiques so the developers got the idea to blame us after we started coming here from Detroit. They thought robots would be good targets because people are generally fearful of robots. We do attack people on occasion for the hell of it but we don't attack people for their homes. That's just wrong. Our next event, just so you know, is that we'll be forming a barrier all around the city so no one can get in or out. Instant death will probably come to all. Ha ha ha! It was good talking with you!" After I nearly pissed my pants, I got the courage to go back home and type this up. Be prepared for this robot attack soon. It should be quite interesting. You heard it here first in Tanuk Times. I'm out!